Indecisive, Complicated, and Full of Doubt

Saying the title sums me up perfectly is an understatement. I grew up in a Catholic Mexican family. I am first generation Mexican American. I am also the oldest and I have one younger sister. Being the oldest in a family where your mom and dad barely speak English makes it so you have to take a lot of responsibility. Being the oldest also makes for extremely strict parents who tend to be really hard on you. Growing up I felt as if no matter what I did I still wasn’t good enough for them. This now leaves me with some issues.

Of course, the issues part comes in a paragraph all of its own. Realistically, I would need to write a book for these issues but I will sum up the ones that have really impacted my life and molded me into the person I am today. First issue: being indecisive. This all started at a young age because no matter what decision I made it was never the right one in my parents’ eyes. Now as an adult, I can never decide on what to do. Even the simplest things like choosing dinner are hard. I just don’t want to choose the WRONG thing. Being indecisive in beauty industry leads to some problems. The problem being is that you always doubt yourself even if you’re doing something perfectly fine. This leads to my second issue: being complicated. As if being a woman wasn’t hard enough. Being a complicated Mexican woman is even harder. I feel like I am moody half of the time for no reason but in reality it is because I have all these thoughts and feelings articulating in my mind. Feelings I have a hard time voicing because of self-doubt. This leads to my third issue: Self-doubt. This is another issue that my parents helped create by them constantly watching what I do and judging me. Don’t get me wrong I love my parents and as an adult I learn to appreciate everything they do and did for me. I now have a better understanding of why they were the way they were. To them raising children in an unknown land of opportunities is pretty scary. They just wanted to protect me and lead me in the right direction.

Now being in an industry where you are constantly having to create an image for yourself and looking for approval through your clients makes it tough. It is tough because you revert back to your issues. I started this blog to write about my struggles in this industry and to also write about my triumphs. I hope you are ready for the journey.

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